The cinematic event of the decade, Cats has finally arrived in cinemas and, oh, Lord, it is an horrific ride you absolutely won’t want to miss. Looking among the blizzard of one-star reviews, it's remarkable so many famous names and award-winning actors – from Taylor Swift to Idris Elba to Dame Judi Dench – signed on for Tom Hooper’s big swing of an adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical. But thank goodness they did: we now have the best worst movie since Tommy Wiseau screamed, “You're tearing me apart, Lisa!” in The Room. We also have a litter of new iterations of these iconic Cats characters to be haunted by.
But who are the best cats in Cats? And who are the worst? We're glad you asked.
1. Rum Tum Tugger (Jason Derulo)
I don’t think you’re ready for this Jellicle Cat’s jelly. Yep, Jason De-Ru-Loooo gets the No1 spot in spite of his frankly ridiculous Dick Van Dyke Cockney accent because, hands down, Rum Tum Tugger is the finest feline this side of the Heaviside layer. This cat’s got charisma, style, smooth vocals and, I don't know, maybe I only fancy Jason Derulo now with digital fur technology? Rum Tum Tugger owned us in the original musical and he still does, especially when he pulls gif-worthy facial expressions. We get it! You're a curious cat, Rum Tum!
2. Gus, The Theatre Cat (Ian McKellen)
Arguably the role McKellen was born to play, Gus (AKA Asparagus) is a doe-eyed and adorable kitty. Sir Ian delivers his solo number with as much sincerity as he did playing Hamlet or King Lear for the RSC. Maybe more, in fact? The icing on the cake has to be when Gus gives a "miaow, miaow, miaow" like he's Summer Heights High's Mr G doing improv for his drama class.
3. Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench)
What has Tom Hooper done to you, Dame Judi? Ah, bless Old Deuts. Looking like she raided Snoop Dogg’s closet circa 2003, you have to hand it to Judi for personifying the expression "like a cat caught in headlights" throughout the film, but her best moment is when she exudes serious BDE while lounging in a basket watching the cats try to impress her.
4. Mr Mistoffelees (Laurie Davidson)
I don’t mean to be dramatic, but I would die for Mr Mistoffelees. Not only does he have a sick Pearly King jacket and top hat, but the cat is literally magic. I mean, at first, he's got the air of "Hey, I'm a nice guy", the way he fawns over Victoria and follows her around (OK, stalker), but to be fair he does save the day on several occasions and shows mad respect to Gus, The Theatre Cat. Sorry, we are forced to stan the original Conjuring Cat.
5. Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson)
Look, I’ll be honest. Grizabella is a bit of a wet blanket, with a face like a slapped arse for most of the movie, as she mopes around street corners and huddles under a coat I can only assume she stole from Pat Butcher. Then there's the fact she has snot coming down her nose for nearly every song. We get it, Tom! You love snotty singing (see Anne Hathaway in Les Misérables). But, Jennifer sure knows how to belt out a sad song and “Memory” had me weeping into my popcorn.
6. Jennyanydots (Rebel Wilson)
Jennyanydots is pretty matronly in the musical but Rebel’s version brings a bit more wit and pizzazz to proceedings. Her number is peak weird, she delivers a few good one-liners and she also has an army of humanoid cockroaches at her beck and call, which is both impressive and alarming.
7. Victoria (Francesca Hayward)
Ah, sweet and innocent, Victoria. Dumped in the alley by her owner and taken in by the Jellicle Cats on the eve of the Jellicle Ball. She’s a bit too vanilla and impressionable to rank higher, but she does pull it out of the bag later showing solidarity to Grizabella and cheering on Mr Mistoffelees. She’s a good’un.
8. Macavity (Idris Elba)
Hiring one of the coolest actors on the planet to play the coolest character in Cats, but then giving him a Camp™ makeover was certainly a choice, Tom Hooper. But you know what? It kind of worked if you just allow the ridiculousness of it all to wash over you. I mean, are Macavity’s furry abs the last thing I see before closing my eyes at night? Yes. But will I get over it? Not any time soon! Ha ha (help me).
9 and 10. Mungojerrie & Rumpleteazer (Danny Collins and Naoimh Morgan)
I love these two. They do what they want and don’t give a shit. They will eat your food, steal your jewels and will leave you for the dogs if push came to shove. You've got to respect that dedication to naughtiness and, also, their song slaps.
11. Bombalurina (Taylor Swift)
It’s rather unfair that Bombalurina only appears for one scene in the movie, but she does get to sing “Macavity”, the best song in the whole damn thing. I was hoping Taylor would lean into the absurdity of the whole production, but it was a bit too straight-laced, concert tour-y for my liking.
12. Bustopher Jones (James Corden)
Bustopher’s number is pretty great and he has a few funny moments when James Corden jumps out, but there’s something about Bustopher wearing dress shoes that makes me shudder. These cats all look pretty terrifying, but not as much as Bustopher Jones.
13. Munkustrap (Robbie Fairchild)
Someone on Twitter said Munkustrap looked like someone had photoshopped that de-aged Robert Downey Jr from Captain America: Civil War onto his face and now I cannot unsee it. Sorry, Robbie Fairchild, you do a pretty good job of keeping the story moving but I am haunted.
14. Growltiger (Ray Winstone)
It’s lucky Growltiger made it in, because he’d been cut from the production since the 1998 movie and my man Ray brought serious East End energy to the bravo cat who lived upon a barge. He only beats Skimbleshanks because of the way he hisses and everyone should see Ray Winstone hissing like a cat at least once in their lives.
15. Skimbleshanks (Steven McRae)
Skimbleshanks the railway cat really knows how to rock a pair of red trousers. He gets a little number and his tap dancing skills are unrivalled, but he’s a bit too absent to rank highly in the grand scheme of Cats and he doesn’t even sing.
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