It's really nothing unusual. You see an attractive person on an attractive-person-meeting app on your phone. Hey, I would rather hang out with you than re-watch season one of True Detective, you think. Hey, she would, too! Maybe you see each other a couple of times. Expensive cocktails are drunk. Date banter is muddled through. Red flags are silently cataloged. Perhaps a regrettable confession (or three) is made in a fit of connection-seeking. Eventually: an adult sleepover. Maybe with sex, or just some unrequited emotional cuddling. You've taken it as far as it can be taken with someone whom it's become clear you're not going to date. But you only come to that realization at the precise moment when you get a text from this person saying: hey what are you up to next week?
And so you do what many of us confrontation-averse people do: You ghost. It's a process that involves two important steps:
You ignore their every attempt at communication.
That's it.
God, it's so much easier this way, right? You don't have to lie about how your ex just came back from France. You don't have to fire off a brutal-for-all-parties text declaring your lack of interest. Ghosting's even simpler than the slow fade: You know, the increasingly terse, opaque messages sent with decreasing frequency on the platform of your choice.
And why feel bad about it? You met on an app! You weren't in a relationship! You don't even know each other's preferred foot-cream brand! (Burt's Bees Peppermint, obviously.)
People like to complain about ghosting the way they like to complain about many, many things in our narcissistic digital age. It's an epidemic! It's making us all swipe-right-addicted robots! They're not wrong! As long as we live in a time when mate-finding has been conveniently reduced to an algorithm-backed, user-friendly interface, people are going to be out there separating the wheat from the chaff with Terminator-like efficiency—and ghosting is going to be a reality. Maybe even, sometimes, the best course of action.
But there's a way to do it right (and all sorts of reprehensible ways to do it wrong). We've drawn up some ground rules to keep you from being haunted by Tinders past.
Know When to Hold ’Em, and When to Ghost ’Em
If you're gonna ghost, ghost early. The window for rationalizing this type of wimpy abandonment (if we're being honest) closes after the third date. And it will slam down on your fingers even earlier if you've engaged in any relationship-type activities. Served breakfast in bed? Ghosting denied. Invited her over for Sunday-night Netflix and chill? No ghost. Met the parents? Even accidentally, because they surprised her one Saturday while you two were having post-hookup hangover bagels on her couch? Ghost-busted.
Don’t Ghost Where You Live
Ghosting on anyone who will remain in your life—in any conceivable way—is bad news. (Those people require a deft detour into the friend zone.) Before you decide to Batman smoke-bomb your way out of a situation, you need to be certain: Can you walk the streets without fear? A random Tinder connection is probably low risk. A co-worker is non-ghostable for obvious reasons. Ghosting the coffee-shop barista is a bold move if you're addicted to that single-origin Bolivian espresso. When in doubt, don't ghost.
You Cannot Un-Ghost
Once you choose the path of total neglect, you have to stay on that path. She wants neither your self-flagellating atonement nor your month-later bullshit texts about how it's been crazy at the office and life's just sooo busy for you right now. Listen, you've chosen this way out, and you need to make your peace with that. Part of that peace is not screwing with her desire to hate you and to tell her friends that it wouldn't have worked, anyway, because your ears are asymmetrical.
Ghosting Isn’t Always Up to You
It's an equal-opportunity rejection tactic. Take it from comedian and massive YouTube star Grace Helbig: “Ghosting on an actual relationship or on friends is shitty to do. But ghosting on a short-term-slash-nonexistent digital relationship is sometimes the only option that you have, especially as a female… It's the Irish Good-bye of the Internet.”
So just know that someday you will meet someone you think is really special, and that person will ghost on you so hard your teeth will chatter. It will bruise your ego. Worse, though, will be the week or two you spend in limbo, worrying that you're being ghosted. And as you compulsively check your messages—willing those three dots to appear and wondering: Was I too thirsty? Or too chill? Did she not get my #alltrumpsmatter joke?—you'll be forced to consider the truth of it all. Sure, ghosting sounds harmless, with its cozy li'l hashtag of a name. But really, it's no more than a minor variation in a long and shameful history of ways that men have rationalized being selfish asshats.
That’s what we asked 383 men and women. They answered. In emojis:
Evil Ogre 12%
The ghosting haters, the moralists, the angels. Ghost on 'em and reap their fury.
Heart Eyes 4%
A small and completely soulless faction love ghosting. Surprised they didn't ghost us on the survey, frankly.
Neutral 26%
Can you ghost on someone if they don't really care that you ghosted?
Thinking 20%
These folks are out ghosting but not quite sure how to feel about it, kinda like the first time you ate kettle corn.
Unamused 38%
The lion's share think ghosting is bad. Not Hitler bad, but The Big Bang Theory bad.
Take our quiz, tally the points in the parentheses, and see if you’re still in the game.
