“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in Polyamory and Open Relationships
“Shhhhh!!! I don’t wanna know”
Many people like to think a don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT) policy is simply unattainable for people navigating ethical non-monogamy.
Lucky for you, I want to give you the deets so you know if this may be the right agreement for your open relationship or not. Take a read below to find out what a DADT policy is, what agreements might be right for you, and how to implement this policy in a healthy way.
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What is a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in an open relationship?
A don't ask don't tell (DADT) policy in polyamory is an agreement in which partners involved in multiple relationships agree not to disclose certain aspects of their relationships to each other. For example:
Essentially, it means that one partner may have other romantic or sexual partners, but the other partner(s) do not want to hear about it (though the person engaging with other people may feel comfortable sharing details of other partners, the listener may not).
So let me break this down for you.
A DADT policy is totally aligned for those who value
their space
discretion / privacy
and prioritize autonomy to manage relationships without their other partner’s input.
However, it can also lead to feelings of secrecy and isolation within the relationship, as partners may feel left out or disconnected from each other's lives. As with any polyamorous arrangement, communication and mutual understanding among all parties involved are crucial for a successful and healthy relationship.
There are different kinds of DADT polyamory arrangements
Choose what works best for you. Some partners agree to not tell each other things as a way to prevent jealousy, yet they completely agree and support the other partner engaging in ethical non-monogamy.
Some people choose it’s best to not be informed of anything! For instance, they may not even want to know if they have a partner or what they do during their time away from each other.
Why you might be against a don’t ask, don’t tell policy
You may be misinformed.
If you’re under the impression that a DADT policy means that a partner within this agreement is not really comfortable with an open relationship, it makes sense why you’d think it’s unhealthy!
Some people who see DADT as moreso being coerced into polyamory, or being unethical about it. Think of this - if you don’t know what your partner is up to, who they’re with, when they’re doing it, etc., then how is that consensual?
The important thing to remember about a working DADT policy is that everybody is on board with the idea, not being coerced into anything, and feels that it would be best to just not know of details of their metamours.
DADT as a way to seek comfort from your partner
Martha Kauppi puts it best in her book, that making a request for this agreement is moreso about managing emotions in a supportive manner between partners. She wrote that a request could sound like:
“Honey, I just seem to lose my mind when I think too much about you being with that other person. Once I get a grip and start thinking about something else, I’m more or less fine. I think if I knew less about what you are doing exactly, it would be easier for me to stop obsessing about what you’re doing and focus on my own interests. I’m not asking you to lie to me, but I think it would be easier for me if I didn’t know where you go when you go out or which friend you hang out with. Just tell me you’re going to see a friend, okay?”
This is a great model of how partners can ask for support so they can better manage how they feel when emotionally unsteady, without knowing all the facts of the situation.
You might already practice don’t ask, don’t tell policies
While willingly succumbing to the idea of being in the dark can have it’s drawbacks, you likely might already have this policy regarding other agreement types in your relationship.
I’ve worked with plenty of couples where one partner tends to be better at handling more emotionally intensive situations and the other partner prefers to not know the details in order to protect their state of their calm.
This doesn’t mean they don’t KNOW what’s going on, they are just choosing to protect their bubble.
For example:
Imagine a situation where one partner likes to watch porn or engage in a kink and the other does not. While the other partner is not engaging in these situations, they are still supportive of their partner’s exploration and consent to this but choose to not have the knowledge of what their partner does as a way to protect their own emotional state.
This shows that you are able to consent and be supportive without being involved in the situation and watch it all happen.
DADT policies can represent you having confidence in your partner's ability to manage the situation and effectively communicate essential choices to you that would impact you/the relationship.
What secrets do you already allow in your relationship?
Now that you have an example of how a don’t ask, don’t tell policy applies to things other than ethical non-monogamy, think about what secrets you may agree to having in your relationship?
I’ve worked with some couples who see their money they make separately split into categories of joint finances vs. personal spending and allowing each other to have autonomy until a certain dollar amount that could effect the relationship.
For instance, that could look like:
Partners are free to spend their personal funds as they please, provided that the shared finances are managed effectively, agreed-upon goals are being achieved, and the purchase amount does not surpass $100.
If a purchase exceeds $100, the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy may be temporarily suspended, and partners must stay informed and explicitly consent to its continued use.
Listen to advice on CNM relationships:
Don’t get the lines blurred
DADT is NOT a scapegoat for lying or non-consented secrecy.
Let me say it again. DON’T ASK DON’T TELL IS NOT A HALL PASS FOR DISHONESTY.
If some of your thoughts along with the DADT policy line up with the sentiment of “I hope they don’t notice that I spent $175 on my haircut instead of the $100 limit because then I’d be in big trouble for breaking our agreement,” that is deceitful behavior - NOT a DADT policy.
Struggling to assert your idea of a don’t ask, don’t tell policy?
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When to implement a don’t ask, don’t tell polyamory policy
Please talk about the DADT policy BEFORE engaging in any behavior that could be seen as secretive. The most important part of this policy is CONSENT.
Set up open relationship DADT agreements on:
What type of information will be shared
What type of information WON’T be shared
What situations should the partner who is more in the dark be consulted or updated with information?
This could come up regarding safe-sex talks, when there is an adjustment to time spent away from the relationship, etc.
How often you should check in about how the DADT policy is/isn’t working for you
You might want to change the agreement and have different feelings as you move forward in this type of relationship that inspire you to want MORE information than before - or even less.
By allowing individuals to seek out different relationships and bring up requests for changes or negotiations regarding the "don't ask, don't tell" agreement to their partner who prefers limited information, there is space for open communication and avoidance of loopholes that could lead to lies, secrecy, and broken agreements.
It is crucial to have these discussions and be able to consider potential modifications to avoid acting outside of the agreement and withholding information to spare the feelings of the partner seeking less involvement.
How to bring up discussing changes to DADT agreements
Final Thoughts
If you decide that a don’t ask, don’t tell policy is for your relationship, that doesn’t mean you just stop having conversations about the agreements within your ethical non-monogamy structure.
Martha Kauppi states that DADT policies help you “limit how often partners will talk about certain aspects of polyamory, based on the individual needs and preferences of the partners involved.”
