Fucked Up: "Ron de Jeremy" Porn Star Rum

[Capn Jimbo]

Ron de Jeremy Rum: "Are you swallowing this?"


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Special Announcement! The Rum Project is proud to post the very first rum review of Ron de Jeremy (here)!!!

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Seriously, would stake your reputation on this rum?

Just about the time I didn't think that things in the world of rogue rum could possibly get any worse here, uh, comes: Ron de Jeremy Rum, yes named after that monster-dicked porn King, Ron Jeremy, and with a likeness of his (thank god) face adorning this squat, thick, heavy and throbbing big bottle. Check out this ad copy...

Ron de Jeremy is exceptionally smooth 7-year old rum from Panama. It is created by another legend, a 72-year old Cuban Master Blender Francisco "Don Pancho" Fernandez. Ron de Jeremy tastes perfect naked with nothing added and works equally great as a mixer. It is the adult rum.

Amazing? You bet! But can it get worse? Double down, mofo, and hold onto yer butt...

Now let's discuss the master baiters behind this one, who hired none other than the-man-without-a-portfolio, Francisco "Don Pancho" Fernandez. What's that, you've never heard of him?! Neither have most folks until he appeared as the heavily promoted and revered Master Distiller of Zaphra, aka Z-21 (patent pending). In case you missed it, Z-21 was promoted as the next big thing, a super-duper-intergalactic-premium rum, that opened at close to $60, but is now being whored out at one of my discount outlets for $29 or so.

Now that's fucked up. Either Don Pancho has a bad manager, or Zaphra really doesn't care. For a guy whose promo rapsheet includes his reputation for "developing some of the most rare Aged Rums and Liquors" in the world - which no one seems to actually name - I'd say someone is delivering a master marketer's blow job. Or getting one...

And it's you if you're buying this line. But the Big Four and the Shillery monkeys surely are:

The Queen of Rum:

"After a successful 40 year carrier (sp), during the first years of this new millennium at an age where many plan to retire, he considers himself in his prime, developing some of the most rare Aged Rums and Liquors (actually developing a Panamanian coffee based liquor), and establishing a Company that its dedicated to production, aging and marketing of his own brands as well as private labels."

Big Bad Burr:

Defending Ron de Jeremy:

"Actually, every rum made by Don Pancho is excellent. He is one of the world's finest masters of rum."

This should have really read "...every Rum Renaissance attended by Don Pancho is excellent. He is one of the world's finest master attenders."

The Tree Stump, Forrest Man (the man of lower case "i's") shouted out:

"i will agree with Adam! Don Pancho is the man . . . behind the Ron de Jeremy.... and Don Pancho ROCKS, , so i say bring it on! i am WILLING!"

"u" think so? And is that an, uh, plug or a plug? Who's on first? Who's on top?

I was even castigated by The Stump's butt buddy, The Frozen Wolfie who once slapped my hand for even, uh, poking fun (there I go again) at the Paunchmeister. You see when last year he'd loped down to Miami to judge bitterness at Burr's Rum Renaissance, he'd actually met the Paunchman. And once you've shaken this guys hand, I guess you must like him.

Personally, I'd wash mine - or wear latex gloves...

[Capn Jimbo]

Don Pancho: "He’s the guru behind some very impressive rums from Havana Club, Abuelo and Zafra..."

So goes the ad copy which gets passed around the world by the usual suspects. All simply melt in front (or behind) of this alleged genius, but there's only one problem. Until Zaphra promoted him, ala "Joe the Plumber", nobody ever heard of him. And as far as all the "world class" rums he is alleged to have created, nobody seems to be able to name them.

Even Mr. Google is askance. Search on Richard Seale, Joy Spence or Jerry Edwards - who really are world class master distillers - and you will get an amazing number of returns and tons of good information. Search on Pancho and you get...

A relative dribble (someone, stop me please!) of recycled PR releases, with no names named other than Z-21, and "coming soooon!" Ron de Jeremy. Honestly if the guy really did have a clearly unsung history, the frenzied promotion of his name with Ron de Jeremy is doing him no favors. Poor guy. And if anyone can provide me some actual cites of the "world class rums" - ones that actually names them - then lemme know.

My ears, and zipper are open... this is your chance!

[Ruminsky Van Drunkenberg]

I've kind of been following this on and off on the various blogs and still can't make up my mind 100%, but having a suspicious and cynical turn of character, I don't really buy most of the hype.

However: RnD reviews makes mention of the Zafra reserve, a 21 year old Panamanian rum (how on earth this can cost a mere US$39 is beyond me), and Chip Dykstra noted in his guest review in July 2010 for RumConnection that he met the production team for it, including Mr. Fernandez (this is an inference of mine). Mr. Fernandez seems to have worked in Cuba for many years which may account for his lack of name recognition.

I wouldn't have dived into this subject, except that establishing who Mr. Fernandez is, is is all the more important since everyone's just going to be giggling at a porn star (known for hobnobbing with past-their-prime B-list actors, not for being part of the spirits industry) rather than taking him or the rum to which he lends his name, seriously.


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Capn's Log: Zaphra 21 was reviewed - twice - here, in the Twiggie (altered) section. It was average at best, and actually sells for $29 (down from an open of $60). Am I surprised?

[Capn Jimbo]

Don Pancho Unmasked...

Well, maybe a little. Found a post by the good Artic Wolf in which he quotes an email he solicited from "PILSA (Provedora Internacional De Licores, S. A., Panama City)"...

"Master Blender, Mr. Francisco “Don Pancho” Fernandez, began his career in Cuba working with father who was a liquor and wine merchant. After graduating in Biochemistry with a degree in Microbiology, he started in the Cuban Beverage Industry, having as his mentor, the Master of Masters, Don Ramon Fernandez Corrales, who taught him the ways of Carta Blanca, which is the foundation and starting point in the development of aged rums."

"In the mid and late 1970s acting as Director of the Cuban Beverage Industry, he assisted in the training and implementation of Master Blenders in the distilleries of several countries worldwide such as the former Soviet Union, Poland, The United Kingdom, Canada, South America and places as faraway as Madagascar. Pancho learned the ways of Vodka making in Poland, Whisky making in Scotland and Wine making in Europe, this has added to his experience and personal touch in his own blending and production of quality rum."

"In the early 1990s he worked in Panama as the Master blender for Varela Hermanos (the makers of Abuelo Rum). Finally after a successful 40 year carrier, and at an age where many plan to retire, he finally considers himself to be in his prime. His latest creation is the Zafra Master Reserve 21 Year Old Rum, which is being brought to the market by Dana Imports."

Now I'm not gonna explore the difference between "master blender" and "master distiller", but there is one. And I'm not sure what "learning the ways" of vodka, scotch and wine making implies. I too once was in the same room with a master distiller, who shared the "ways" of rum making. Right.

All we get from this is that he is alleged to be the master blender (not distiller) of a single rum (Abuelo) - a nice, hard-to-find but not particularly exceptional, somewhat altered rum. World class? Not.

I'm so sorry, but I'm still focused on the numerous claims of all the "world class" aged rums and liquors he is alleged to have created over the years - with no one being able to actually name them. Nor do they name a single vodka, whisky or wine, with whose "ways" it is alleged he is familiar.

Compare to Richard Seale: Seales Ten, Doorly's XO and Five Year, the Tommy Bahama's, Old Brigand, ESA Fields, Foursquare and others - need I go on?

Give me a break - affiliated with Rod de Jeremy? And a company named One Eyed Spirits?! This is so very sad...

[Capn Jimbo]

Dan Pancho - did he really understand?

A number of commentators speculated on whether the good Don Pancho really understood what he was getting into. The spokeman for One-Eyed Spirits published this:

"To back up that, like you correctly said the rum needs to stand and fall on its own merits. Hence Don Pancho. I’m sure there are many other great rum makers who could have done Ron de Jeremy for us but our paths happened to cross with Don Pancho. He fully knows the nature of marketing concept and is aware of the exposure he is going to get. Nothing cynical about that."

If true then Dan Pancho is part of the problem. But somehow I doubt it...