This is it. “The Bachelor” finale. Who’s Jake going to choose? Vienna or Tenley? Tenley or Vienna? Chris Harrison or Channy? Remember Channy? Can we bring her back?
I honestly don’t care about either of the remaining women. Or Jake for that matter. This whole season has been a bust that not even 8-pack abs can save. I’m pretty much only watching for the Dancing With the Stars cast announcement at the end. And to see Jake cry. It’s always funny to see Jake cry.
OK fine let’s do this…
8:02 Journey, journey, love. Blah blah blah. Jake says Tenley is “head to toe, absolutely perfect.” They “communicate” on every level. But Vienna is “wildly hot.” Soooo…
8:03 Jake’s family has made the trip to the Caribbean to help Jake make his final decision. He’s really “proud” that they took the time for a vacation on the network’s dollar. Oh, Jake tears already! This might be more fun than expected!
8:06 Jake recaps the ladies for Mom and Dad. Again, Tenley=perfect. Vienna=slutty. Mom has already sniffed out Vienna’s looseness and she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t like it one bit.
8:09 Tenley meets the family first. She brings flowers and hugs. They ask how she knows that she’s “in love.” Tenley mentions “character” and “values.” She keeps touching Jake’s dad and it’s weird.
8:12 One-on-one time between Tenley and Jake’s mom. She asks Tenley how she fights with other women, to see how she’ll interact with Jake’s sisters-in-law, which is such a strange question to ask when you only have limited time with the woman your son might marry after only knowing her for like a month. Mom doesn’t want to know that Tenley is DIVORC–oh wait, Tenley brought it up on her own. They both tear up. Mom calls Tenley a “sweetheart.” Sisters-in-law (SILs) think she’s for sure the type of girl for Jake.
8:15 One-on-one time with Tenley and Jake’s dad. More awkward touching. She really is laying it on thick. Oh hey, did you guys know that she’s divorced? Back with his SILs, Jake assures them he will be proposing to someone. Jake’s dad calls Tenley his future daughter-in-law. Jake worries that Tenley is fragile and can’t handle his roughhousing. Beware Tenley: Stand at the edge of a pool and Jake will push you in. But no need today, as she jumps in on her own.
8:19 Jake’s family is totally in love with Tenley. “The perfect couple” was a phrase actually used. If any of you have ever watched a reality TV show before, you should know that this means she’s absolutely going home without a ring.
8:23 Vienna’s turn. She brought a fruit basket, which she just plops down when she walks in rather than actually bestowing it on Jake’s family. Immediately, they dive into the topic of the other women hating her. One of Jake’s SILs says there isn’t “a lot of class” in the way she talks about the situation. Vienna says the big problem is that she’s “brutally honest.”
8:26 Jake’s mom says Vienna is “not really connecting very well” with the family. She’s “very concerned.” Mom pulls Jake aside and says she doesn’t see Vienna getting along with the SILs. She’s very concerned about these SILs. Jake regrets ever mentioning that everyone hates Vienna, because now even more people hate Vienna. Don’t they get that she puts out??
8:31 Jake’s brothers think Vienna is gross with her “brutal honesty” b.s. SILs ask Vienna her opinion on Tenley. Vienna basically says she’s a doormat. And hey, did you know that she’s divorced? Vienna is sure that Jake loves her and doesn’t love Tenley.
8:34 One-on-one time between Jake’s mom and Vienna. Mom is concerned about Vienna’s inability to play nice. SILs report back to Jake that they actually do think Vienna likes him and isn’t really that bad. One of them actually starts crying because she feels bad for judging Vienna. Even mom comes around and apologizes to Vienna for pre-judging. Ah, everyone is happy. Except for Dad, because he didn’t get touched as much by Vienna.
8:45 Jake and Vienna go on a date to a natural sulfur spring that smells like “rotten eggs.” Mmm, romantic. Cue the mud wrestling. “Vienna and I can’t keep our hands off each other,” says Jake. It feels “natural” and “really good,” he adds. They wash each other off under a waterfall and it looks like a National Geographic documentary about blonds mating in the wild.
8:49 Jake hopes that his penis isn’t clouding his brain judgment. NOW he worries about that? After he’s eliminated all his other options except for the slutty one and the Disney princess who saved herself for marriage?
8:54 Vienna wants to give Jake the ring that her father gave her after her first marriage, that is intended basically reminds her to not to do dumb things anymore. But then how will she remember? Soon, Jake is on top of Vienna and they’re making out again.
9:02 “Dancing With the Stars” cast reveal teaser. Melissa Rycroft is there to help say names, since Samantha Harris has packed her dangly earrings and left the program.
9:04 “It’s tough being in love with two women,” says Jake. We feel so bad for you. Tenley shows up for their last date and they run into each other’s arms. They hop on a boat and start making out. Yeah, I can see how hard this is for Jake.
9:07 After snorkeling, Jake is “tired.” But really, he’s concerned that there’s not enough “physical chemistry” between he and Tenley. He calls their emotional chemistry “alarmingly hot,” which sounds uh, awesome. But he doesn’t think they have “crazy hot” physical chemistry, that it’s building slowly. Tenley thinks that’s how it should build. In a confessional, she breaks down in tears saying that’s basically how her ex-husband felt and she can’t go through that again.
9:16 Tenley still upset about Jake’s comment about slow-building physical chemistry when he comes over for nighttime alone time. She asks him to explain himself further, please. He apologizes for making her feel like a prude. Then they talk. So to recap: Jake and Vienna dry hump. Jake and Tenley talk.
9:20 Tenley gives Jake her present (why does he get presents??), which is a photo album and their framed fortune cookie fortunes. Jake says he loves Tenley. They smooch a bit, but there’s no horizontal action. It’s about 30% inclined action.
9:27 Jake says one of the remaining ladies isn’t better than the other, “they’re just different.” He recaps his feelings about them both again. Tenley=perfect. Vienna=immature and risky. Both Vienna and Tenley gush over Jake. They’re all in love, and happy, and scared, and nervous.
9:29 Jeweler stops by Jake’s room with a suitcase of engagement rings. He asks about Jake’s chosen lady, but he says he hasn’t yet chosen a lady. Awk-ward. “The rings almost made it more confusing,” says Jake about making his big decision.
9:32 Tenley=perfect. Vienna=”naturally sexy.” JAKE HAS MADE HIS DECISION, and he knows in his heart that it’s “the right one.” He puts aside one of the rings and the fates are written in stone.
9:35 Oooh, helicopter rides to the final rose ceremony in lieu of limos. I actually can’t believe it’s taken producers this long to execute that idea. I’m talking about helicopters because right now Jake and Vienna and Tenley are just re-re-re-re-recapping their feelings about each other. I mean, how many times can you hear Tenley say she doesn’t want to get hurt again or how this is “the most difficult decision” Jake will ever make?
9:41 Aaaaaaand Tenley is outta the ‘copter first. Ruh roh. She’s positive that her “new life with Jake begins today,” but I’m pretty sure she’s about to get a “perfect” rejection. Jake’s crying. He says, “something just doesn’t feel right.” He doesn’t know why. Tenley cries and says something about “showing me what I could have,” but I can’t really understand half of her “it’s OK” speech because it’s squeaking out. Then finally, she says, “thank you for making me feel special.”
9:47 Jake walks her out. “God, I’m never gonna forget you!” he says. “Bye.” “Bye.”
9:50 Oh disappointing. Tenley rides away in an SUV, and not a helicopter.
9:58 Oh yeah, I forgot we had to wrap up this hogwash. Jake and Vienna fawn over each other, then Jake pulls out Vienna’s “don’t do stupid stuff” ring and gives it back. Ya know, just to remind her. Then he gets down on one knee and gives her his ring. She says yes, OBVIOUSLY. Vienna/Jake montage to “On The Wings Of Love.”
