Play naked if you really want to, Miley, but it’ll only end in tears

Predictable developments in the world of boundary-pushing Disney graduate Miley Cyrus, whose efforts to put clear blue water between her and The Mouse can and will only end in tears.

The lachrymal secretions will not be Mickey’s, of course – he wept only once, in 1954, when Walt failed to secure full-spectrum dominance of all hotels and infrastructure contracts within a 20-mile radius of Disneyland. No, the tears will be Miley’s, as she continues to deny the reality that it is easier to return home from a mis-sold minibreak in Raqqa than it is to cease being a Disney star. No one whose childhood was harnessed to power the Magic Kingdom can ever be allowed to grow up; no former Mouseketeer can undermine their heritage without a terrible revenge being sought. I give you your Britneys. I give you your Shias.

When last we caught up with the former Hannah Montana star on this front, Miley seemed to be using the language of gender reassignment to throw her own artistic journey into sympathetic relief against that of Justin Bieber. “I do mentor him in a way,” she explained. “Because I’ve been doing this shit a long time, and I’ve transitioned, and I don’t think he’s done it yet.”

Oof. Since then, a series of sledgehammer performance ventures mean you will already be abreast of Miley’s … philosophy, is it? … that nudity is the most fascinating statement of all.

To this end, she is now planning a completely naked concert. Not only will she be naked, but so will her recent collaborators the Flaming Lips – and, indeed, their ticketed audience, who must sign some sort of release form as it’s all going to be filmed for Miley’s forthcoming video. According to Flaming Lips lead singer Wayne Coyne, concert-goers should expect that “white stuff that looks like milk” will be “spewed everywhere”.

One can only speculate. But does one care to?

Of course, we wish Miley the best of luck with having white stuff that looks like milk spewed all over her naked adult fans as she bears down on a cardboard cut-out of Mickey wearing a strap-on or whatnot. But we can only remind her of a truth as horrible as it is ineluctable: The Mouse has seen it all before. The Mouse will prevail.